Recently, my mom said to me, “you may have four crucial moments in your life where one decision can change the trajectory of it forever.”
I responded, “Like the time I dropped out of my physics major in university!”
My own surprise followed, because I had not realized how profound an impact leaving a post-secondary program had on my life, but it did. Before university I could not have ever fathomed dropping out. In fact, the expectations I had for myself had completely prevented it.
When I was in high school, I decided I wanted to major in physics because of my love of space. Ever since my Careers class in grade ten, I have had a clear picture of myself looking through a telescope and observing the various astronomical phenomena that I used to see in magazines as a child. I envisioned helping humanity through advanced scientific experiments or making far-flung discoveries.
I took that vision to heart, touring various universities and taking all the prerequisite math and science courses. My vision had become so ingrained within myself that I thought it was who I had to be. And the effects were detrimental to my well being and mental health. Space and the academic subjects I had once loved now only brought me stress.
By my grade 12 year, I was burnt out from school. I disliked my physics class and procrastinated on my calculus homework until the last minute. None of these courses had the same appeal or excitement, and the shadow of post-secondary loomed over me.
In the fall when I started university, I was a ball of anxiety. I was anxious to move away from home for the first time, find my classes, make new friends, and meet all the usual undergraduate expectations. And, as the semester continued, that anxiety never went away. I felt like I needed to understand everything in my course in order to prove to myself that I was smart enough to be there. The consequence was that I had no time to make lasting friendships or enjoy university. Instead, I was always thinking ahead to my next assignment or studying alone in my dorm room. I thought to myself, “this is what I have to do, and who I have to be…right?”
I lasted three months. When exam time rolled around, I packed all my belongings into the car and moved home. I spent that December reeling from the fact that by dropping out, I failed university. But as the dark nights of winter lifted, so too did the burden of failure.
In the spring, I found a job that I liked, got my driver’s license and reconnected with old friends. Best of all, I found a new college program for creative writing that I thought I would give a try and am about to enter my second year. What I had once deemed a failure was just another stepping stone in my life, and I have felt freer since moving on to a new program.
I learned that I had unfairly tied my inner self worth to meeting my aspirations. Over time those dreams, I once had, became heavy expectations that weighed me down. I had expected that as a teenager, I had to know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I had anticipated I would enjoy physics and that it defined who I was. There is certainly nothing wrong with having aspirations, they can help you figure out where you want to go, but you can not be defined by them.
For those considering or navigating an academic journey, let us remember to allow ourselves to be free of expectations. You will never know where it may take you.
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Caroline Tuccinardi is a writing student in Humber College’s Bachelor of Professional and Creative Writing program. Her story Ghost Town was published in the Humber Literary Review Spotlight #8 and she is currently working on more short fiction. When not writing, Caroline loves to be with her friends and family.
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At YWCA Toronto, we are proud to offer programming for girls and gender diverse youth to advance leadership skills, enhance their self-esteem, learn to live safely in their communities, make new friends and expand on their understand of the world around them. YWCA Toronto’s Girls' Centre is a girls-only space that brings together girls 9 to 18 years of age to try new activities, develop skills and discuss topics in a safe place. Our programs are developed with a strength-based and trauma-informed approach utilizing tools and activities to create healthy coping and self-regulation skills.
Watch this short video to see the impact of our Girls’ Centre.